Gary's Blog

The Pathwork Lecture I was recording was #4 titled Life Weariness. I had to smile at that, for “life weariness” was what I was feeling. But on a deeper level I noticed that I was simply drawn to these Pathwork lectures, perhaps like an artist is drawn to painting, or a musician to composing music or playing an instrument.

In recent months I have come to see the longing I have for connection. It has been, I see, a core theme of my entire life. … its strongest pull is in my relationship with women.

I smiled at myself, nearly laughed out loud. But the smile and inner laughter covered lots of pain. The experience took me back to one of my socialization experiences in ninth grade.

Our Sunday morning coffee time ran over two hours, beginning with our iPhone experiences the night before and leading into some pretty deep places from this innocuous beginning.

Why do I wrestle so with relating to God or Jesus Christ? What images do I hold about God and Jesus Christ that stand in the way of relating to them in any way that could be called love?

These past ten days have been powerful for me, including helper/counselor sessions, a journal writing mini-workshop, working with Pathwork lectures, and deep conversations with Pat and others.

It is not yet clear what is driving my defenses against love, but as I spiral down the well of my life at this ripe age of 68 it is becoming clearer that this denial of love on all fronts may be my Core Life Challenge this time around.

On Saturday Pat and I attended our second Holotropic Breathwork experience with two Grof Holotropic Breathwork facilitators…

I got myself somewhat worked up going into a meeting of Pathwork helpers and leaders I was to facilitate on Sunday evening.

I began this morning’s coffee time with Pat with the statement, “Sevenoaks is perplexing to me.” With Sevenoaks I experience connection and growth, but also anger, overwhelm, frustration, confusion, the pain of not knowing, even hopelessness at times.