Alpha Male Energy

The energy of the preceding post on power feels overly strong. I can feel my rebellious kid energy in it, a big statement of defiance in the face of authority that would arrange us in order of power.  I notice this alpha-male energy in me whenever I feel threatened by power of another. I would not have done well in the army, but the army would probably have done me some good in seeing and working through this authority issue.

I can feel it growling inside, ready to pounce out and attack.   Oh it can fake me out by sounding so self righteous or so rational and justified.  But the dark energy remains there and needs a little compassionate healing.

Now that my awareness of it has surfaced in this current post, I can see my alpha male has been around a lot this week.  It came out when I received emails that felt challenging to my authority, or in phone calls challenging my leadership.  It came out when a person I respect noted that hierarchical leadership that I was ranting about in my previous post has a place in our community, is there whether I like it or not, and is not the evil I painted.  A case of both/and, not either/or.

And my alpha-male energy even came out in a subtle way when someone mentioned my “good spirit” in some work I was doing with people.  My alpha male energy came out and rejected even the notion that being “good-spirited” was a positive trait. No, my alpha male doesn’t want to be good-spirited or, worse yet, “nice,” as some speak of me.  He wants to be praised for being utterly competent in all that he does and seen as powerful and oh so superior.  Certainly not “good-spirited!”   That would be wimpy!

So my deep nature of being a loving person is not valued by my alpha-male energy that covers over my loving nature.  My alpha male doesn’t trust love (giving or receiving), rejects any notion that “servant leadership” is anything but weakness and certainly would not value skills and maturity needed to be a servant leader.  I can feel his presence in me right now howling at the notion that servant leadership takes its own brand of competence.  “No, this ‘servant leadership’ you speak of shows weakness, let me out, I want to attack!”  My alpha male is mean, self-willed, self-centered and oh so proud.  He intends to be separate and ahead of the pack.

I can feel this energy within.  It scares me.  I do not want to admit it, so I cover it over so that others cannot see it.  What they see, or so I think, is the really “nice” Gary.  I truly cannot let myself see my alpha-male energy and all the destruction, havoc, and disharmony it manifests in and around me.  My alpha male wants to protect me from danger and cover over my fear.  It just goes about it in all the wrong ways.

And of course I feel shame when my alpha male energy is on display as in my previous post.  My mask, my idealized self-image, wants me to appear above such “unacceptable” behavior that my alpha-male energy represents. This wanting to appear in a given way I am sure influences my posts much more than I would like, making them overly mental perhaps and covering over much of what lies beneath on a feeling level, feelings that I do not want to feel.

Well all of these inner characters are parts of me.  I smile as I see myself walking around with a sign stating that I am “Under Construction.”  Much more under construction than I am conscious of!   Brings some welcomed humility onto the scene.  And some more authentic peace, as I accept what truly is, alpha male and all.