Just Aware

 

Sitting in front of Ed, my therapist. Silence. Awareness of the ever-present tension in my belly arises. I choose to hold it tenderly. I do not judge the tension with, “If I had my act together I would have no tension; obviously I’m messed up, my anxiety proves it.” I let go of the shame of not knowing. I can hold the tension.

 

What does the tension want to say? “Hold me, do not run away from me, stay with me, do not deny me, do not cover me over with busyness.” I can do this.

The session becomes like the unwinding I’ve experienced in cranial sacral work or in authentic movement. I let the tension in my belly inform me, lead me. The image arises that in the past I would have tried to shake off the tension as a drenched dog might shake off the water on his back. I choose not to shake off the tension in my belly.

I stay present. I can tolerate this part of me. No where to go. Nothing to do. More subtle and not-so-subtle movement led from the tension spot. The letting go comes from the presence not from shaking off or running away. I leave the session in a state of acceptance and relaxation. I am present to what is.

Morning meditation…

Surrender to Source. I am not calling Source God this morning. Actually it is surrendering to presence. Self awareness arises. It is the breath. The breath is all that is here.

From this deep place once again thoughts arise, insights. I accept them. Even note them in my journal. They deal with activities and people I am with in the Sevenoaks Pathwork community. I do not judge or run away from the thoughts. Just aware. Just aware.